Basic Safety Planning with Domestic Violence Survivors - Part 2 of 2

Remembering to Listen: Exercising Supportive Advocacy

Exercise
Think of a time when you asked someone for help or were in crisis…
• How did people respond to you?
• What kinds of things did people say and/or do that were unhelpful?
• Why?
• How do we avoid these actions when safety planning with survivors?

As advocates, we should utilize empathic listening as a way of communicating that results in the person feeling validated, heard, and supported. Unfortunately, sometimes our language and behavior (purposeful or otherwise) can be counterproductive to our advocacy work. Therefore, we must be aware of unhelpful language and behaviors as we safety plan with domestic violence survivors.

Some examples of unhelpful language and behaviors are:
• Judging- drawing unsupported, subjective conclusions about the veracity or validity of a survivor’s life choices and safety. Asking “why” questions can also be interpreted as judgmental, as such questions often elicit defensive responses.
• Minimizing- Diminishing survivors’ experiences as “not that bad.”
• Intellectualizing- Over simplifying survivors’ experiences by focusing only on cognitive-level problem solving.
• Giving advice- Survivors are the experts in their own lives. Never tell someone to follow a specific course. We, as advocates, do not know what is best. We just know options.
• Rescuing- Disempowering survivors by trying to “fix” their lives. This puts the survivor in a powerless position, and disrupts autonomous decision-making.
• Giving false hope- Telling the survivor “everything will be okay.” Unfortunately, we are unable to predict anyone’s future outcome.
• Forgetting boundaries- Being the survivor’s friend, thereby denying a professional relationship that is solely focused on her well-being—no mutual benefit required. This also includes talking too much about yourself.
• Using jargon- Failing to use simple and concise language. Using acronyms and legal jargon.

Being Aware of Your Value System
In order to guard against unhelpful language and behaviors, we must be aware of our own value systems. This includes analyzing the choices that we would or would not make, and reflecting upon how those personal decisions may affect our interactions with survivors. For example, how does your non-verbal communication change when you personally disagree with a survivor’s course of action? Advocates must be committed to honesty. This requires knowing your personal limits and barriers, and referring survivors to another advocate if you are unable to proceed.

Questions for Reflection and Discussion
1. What other unhelpful language and behaviors would you add to the list above?
2. What non-verbal actions communicate to survivors that you are listening, supportive, and helpful?
3. Reflect upon your personal value system. Are there any aspects that could affect your work with domestic violence survivors?

Skills Building: Safety Planning With Survivors
As I mentioned before, safety planning is at the core of domestic violence advocacy. It is the single discussion that we should be having every time we meet with a survivor. Tactics, outside circumstances, and resources can dramatically change for survivors in small periods of time. Therefore, I encourage each advocate to keep safety planning at the core of each interaction. Ask open-ended questions such as, “has any circumstances changed?” “Is the batterer using any new tactics or strategies to contact, find, harass, stalk you?

Ensure confidentiality and protect her information. Practically speaking, this includes talking in private, recording only a minimal amount of information in case files/notes, and keeping information accessible to the survivor (and separate from case file/notes). Because of the prevalence of electronic monitoring and stalking, help maintain confidentiality by learning more about technology safety. Use corded phones for sensitive information. Do not safety plan over e-mail. Please contact the New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence if you would like more information about Technology Safety.

General Safety Planning Guidelines
The goal of safety planning is to build a partnership between yourself and the survivor. Try to understand the survivor’s perspective, and integrate your own knowledge of resources and advocacy to her analysis. Approach safety planning as a fire drill. Move through the possibilities for assault and harassment, and plan for safety in each scenario. Remind the survivor that we hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

The decision to leave is complicated, and can include an increased risk for injuries and death. Remember that survivors always want the violence to end; however, they often have invested a great deal into the relationship (i.e. marriage, children, finances, lifestyle). Simultaneously, other influential people in the survivor’s life (clergy, family, co-workers) may encourage her to stay, privileging the maintenance of her relationship over her safety.

Understand and communicate the risks of both staying with and leaving the abuser. These risks are both life generated and batterer generated, and can include:
• Loss of control over personal information
• Loss of support from professionals who do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence
• Loss of transportation, access to family finances, and/or job
• Loss of companionship
• Loss of childcare or access to the children themselves
• Loss of support from friends and family
• Inability to access shelter or other support systems
• Anxiety and/or fear that children or family and friends will be threatened, harmed, or killed
• Consistent and prolonged fear and anxiety
• Increased risk for threats, injuries, and death

Beginning the Safety Planning Discussion
When beginning the safety planning discussion, consider following a strengths-based approach. This perspective focuses upon the survivor’s unique ability to keep herself and her children safe. By utilizing empathic listening skills, the advocate will be able to ask questions that encourage the survivor to think strategically about her safety risks. The questions should be specifically tailored to the individual experience of each survivor.

Following this philosophy, consider beginning with the following questions:
1. What are you already doing to try and keep yourself (and your children) safe?
2. Are these actions still working?
3. What other safety ideas have you considered?

Going Deeper: Example Guiding Questions
If she plans to leave the abuser…
• When is the best time for her to leave?
• Where is the best place for her to go? How will she get there?
• What will she bring with her?
• Who will she inform about where she is going?
• How will she safely get and/or pick-up the children to or from school or other activities?
• Does she feel an Order of Protection would be helpful?
• How does she feel about calling the police if the perpetrator came after her?
• Would she like a list of available resources for future needs?

Going Deeper: Examples of Guiding Questions
If she plans to stay with the abuser…
• When he assaulted her in the past, what did she do to keep safe (fled from scene, assuaged the batterer, fought back)?
• What is her escape plan from the house?
• Who is her support network? How will she practice self-care?
• If she needs to escape temporarily, where can she go?
• How might she escape from the house?
• What is her plan for the children and/or childcare?

Also, discuss:
• How to find rooms in her home that are safer
• Where to hide an extra set of keys
• Where to hide copies of important documents (drivers license, birth certificates, bank statements, Order of Protection, documents for all children)
• Warning signs to neighbors indicating duress
• Electronic monitoring and technology safety
• Developing code words that prompt trusted confidants to call the police*

* These suggestions have remained necessarily vague as to not instruct batterers in safety planning techniques. However, please feel free to contact me at nyscadv@nyscadv.org for a deeper discussion. Please include “For Sarah” in the subject line.


Questions for Reflection and Discussion
1. Why is confidentiality critical for effective safety planning? What can you do to ensure your safety planning discussions remain confidential?
2. In addition to the issues raised above, what other factors can contribute to a survivor’s decision to leave or stay?